Lofty Thoughts

Many thanks for enticing me to ridicule the sports ramblings of Mr. Sager. Can you bring the bottle round on Monday please. By the way, the police are going round to inspect the manholes at the top of the HTHS playing fields next week.
Apparently three ’59er cross country phonies went missing when the manholes were made safe by concreting them in.

I must admit I was intrigued that a former goalie whose only previous merit was his willingness to hurl himself head first at an opponent’s feet and more recently, to get up early, should attempt to present an item to the website.  I noted your reticence to become involved in trying to show any interest in deciphering the aforementioned claptrap and having admired your undying devotion and fortitude in developing, building and maintaining the website (I couldn’t quite make out your writing Keith, I’m sure that’s what your instructions say), I thought it good manners to comply.

In the first paragraph, I feel the phrases: ‘attempt to write’,’ impossibly demanding and tedious’, ‘feeble capabilities’, truly sets the scene for what is to follow.
‘I was always mad’ in para 2 requires little comment and let’s face it, all those left off the team had to be content with a kick-about on cinder pitches.

In para 4, your list of sports doesn’t include rugby, yet in para 6 you refer to the top playing field ‘where the rugby posts were’. This omission indicates a distinct leaning towards senile dementia, a diagnosis reinforced by another statement in para 6, ‘Although my memory is not entirely clear’.

I believe the development of ‘tumbling skills’ was enhanced by the spending of dinner money during visits to the Hathershaw Hotel. Another ‘59er diversion from cross country pursuits.

As for talking to the ‘delightful Barbara Swanwick’ , I have it on good authority that she was asleep on the journey home. 
Your reference to never having played netball was no doubt a great relief to your mother. I can just picture you both at the till in Hardcastles purchasing a pair of navy blue knickers.
First Royales and now you! What's the matter with you people? Have you no respect for my feelings? I well understand our dyslexic webmaster trying to persuade you to discredit my article but for you to agree for just one bottle of wine is more offensive than the comments themselves!
To also imply that I am "leaning towards senile dementia" is scandalous. I would like to refute this most strongly  but I can't remember whether I have dementia or not. You were also wrong when you pictured me and my mum purchasing navy blue knickers at Hardcastles. We bought them at Dugdales. Don't expect a Christmas card from me this year.


PS I nearly forgot to ask John - Did your Mum and Dad eventually decide to get married? 
I have as much respect for you as you have for your elders.
As for being bribed by 'one bottle of wine' you underestimate my negotiation skills. It was a bottle of Keith's anti-ageing serum.
I believe your various 'leanings' are well documented in the local constabulary's Pisa file. You should have gone to Hardcastles. Dugdales knickers twist too easily which may explain your funny walk. No Christmas card is certainly a relief. I'm fed up of paying surcharges on empty envelopes posted with a green shield stamp. I was amazed how low you could stoop in your PS but it's probably second nature considering the thousands of times you must have retrieved the ball from the back of the net. Fancy, senile dementia and dropsy.

Editor - John then went on to tell a joke about the patriotic naming of children but I'm afraid that if I published it I would be hounded by the PC Brigade.

Bugger it...

Did you hear about the Englishman's son who was called George because he was born on St. George's Day?
And the Scotsman's son who was called Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's Day?
And the Welshman's son who was called David because he was born on St. David's Day?
And the Irishman's son who was called Pancake?